Happy Birthday Kelli!

It's April 30 and that means it's the most important day EVER for my favorite white tailed buck deer! And now, a birthday blogular tribute just for you.

When I first met you, you were in the middle of a serious asthma attack. I didn't even know it. You covered gracefully, like only a serious chronic asthmatic could, and turned and ran out of the room, sprinting and coughing your way to CVS. Even if you had stayed for the roommate interview I would have never known that I was moving in with Sarah Silverman in a pink cashmere twinset. You are able to say things that I never could- mainly because you are a LIBERAL, but also you are really really funny. I mean I can't even type some of your funniest comments, and yet I can post a picture of you next to a tattooed dragon man, go figure.

We met because we were living in the craziest house on Capitol Hill, I know this because that happens to be whatever house Emily is living in. While I shared a room with a --------, you sadly had the walk through bedroom, meaning Fo and I had to walk through your room just to exit ours. So sad, but really it was a lovely room. You are the only person I know who actually uses their vanity in the way 1940's movies suggested they be used, crossing your legs and blow drying your hair at the same time. If you weren't an asthmatic surely there would be a Benson and Hedges 120 propped on a crystal ashtray. As Talbots would say, "You're a classic." Really you are. You remind me of the women who came to the hill during WWII, perfectly groomed and ready with their steno pad and pencil case. You OWN a pencil case. I love that. Actually I love your pencil case too, it's Kate Spade and really adorable. And yet for all your refinery you are the most sought after female softball player in the Congressional Softball League. Interesting.

You know lots of things too: like how important the Interior Approps Committee is, how to properly respond when a lesbian tells you how attractive you are: "Wow, thanks, umm, you look like Shania Twain."; you know how to commandeer a juke box for an entire night, and you know to act ashamed when the old Korean lady convenient store owner scowls at you and your roommates for only ever buying wine, beer, cigarettes and cheese. You knew to go get knives the night one of the moppy headed Mississippians from next door was pounding on our door- he was locked out, wearing a plaid cumberbun and hopped up on Xanax and champagne, and you knew we should be armed. And you know me. Once in my car, you found my only three tapes, and the look on your face was like an archeaologist discovering the Rosetta Stone; you held Bob Seger's 'Beautiful Loser', Meatloaf's 'Bat of Hell' and Reba McEntire's 'Greatest Hits' and declared, "This is why we're friends." And it's true.

Things you don't know- like where the hell you get all the bruises from. You have way more bruises on Monday than you did on any Friday. "Kelli, how the hell did you do that to your leg?" "I think it was a fence?"

You are responsible for one of my favorite all time days. It begins like this.

After work, I picked you up in front of Rayburn in the Cabby, you ran across traffic and I made an incredibly illegal u-turn on Independence Avenue in full view of Capitol Police, we just waved.

We found a great spot right in front of Cap Lounge.

You turned to me, "Shots?"

Of course I agreed.

We ran in, ordered 2 Lemon Drops.

Downed them, immediately ordered 2 more.

We left to go to A-Nu to get our toenails done- the original purpose of the outing. (Also I love you but A-Nu is really a step down from Capitol Nails and that says ALOT)

The pedicures were hilarious, mainly as a result of vodka, but also there was this girl making a big scene about paying and having to get cash and not wanting to go get cash and why wouldn't they take a third party out of state check- well the girl doing your hooves, feeling confident enough in her English as a second language to begin using insults, looks up and conspiratorily says to you, "White twash" and jerks her head towards the girl. We nod approvingly and try not to die laughing, in case we might discourage her. We'll spend the rest of the time trying to contort our hands into the hand model poses in the 80's nail posters.

We leave A-Nu and return to Cap Lounge.

We order 2 more Lemon Drops.

And then another 2.

We decide we better eat.

We go to Hunan Dynasty. While heading back to the bathroom I stop to look at the pictures on the wall, they're of typical scenes in some southeast asian country. People cooking in a hut, walking with baskets, in the rice paddy, etc. And then randomly, a little blue eyed boy sitting on a chair in a hut, wearing only overalls. I point out this weirdness to you and you of course go check it out. You come back wondering if I told you about the picture only because the boy's private bits are totally exposed. WHAT? NO. I had no idea. We'll spend a good amount of time discussing how this obviously Ukranian boy came to live in Cambodia, Who took that picture? Why did they take that picture? Couldn't they have covered him up? Unless that wasn't their intention? Why did the Die-Nasty decide this was appropriate to hang on the wall? And on and on. I think we went back to Cap Lounge.

Months later you'll ask where I want to go to dinner and I'll say "The place with the pictrues of exploited children on the walls."

And without missing a beat, you'll say, "Be serious, your mom's house is way too far."

See? Very funny.

To make up for the dragon picture, here's one of you and your roommates at the surprise birthday party we threw for you 3 years ago.

Shawn- watching Fo dance on a table in the rain- "Where you do learn to dance like that? Is there a school? Or like a vo-tech program, an associates degree?"

Shawn's sidekick- "I think it's at the place you go to work your way through school."

Kelli- "I mean, she's a -

Everyone- "Don't say it!!!!!!!!"

Since it's your birthday, i'll say it for you. She was a stripper.

Happy Birthday!

Love, Chubby Old Groundhog

UPDATED- Shawn has done this excellent drawing in Microsoft Paint to highlight his comment. I left out two very important facts about Kelli: she (we) used to drink a lot of Bud Ice before Cap Lounge burned down and didn't bring it back AND until 4 months ago she still rocked out on a WALKMAN on her way to work.

High Fidelity

“Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do's and don'ts. First of all you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing.
The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway...”

I found Road Songs #1 today. For those of you who don't know I make my mix CD's in series: Road Songs 1-10, Country Tunes 1-7, Rock F*** Yeah 1-4, Acoutics, 1-7 and it goes on. Well anyway, Road Songs #1 was compiled in late 1999 mainly from songs I pirated off the Penn State network ("ARgh!"- pirate noise). It's really good, totally random and perfectly appropriate for driving long distances. And it's totally 1999. I love it. Should you want to take a trip, particularly back in time, I give you Road Songs #1. FYI you will find no Allman Brothers on any of my Road Songs mixes- too obvious.

1. When I Fall / Break Your Heart (Live)- Barenaked Ladies

2. Gold to Me - Ben Harper

3. Vincent Black Lightning 1952- Beth Wood

4. It's Alright- Big Head Todd and the Monsters

5. Travellin' Man / Beautiful Loser- Bob Seeger

6. Glycerine- Bush

7. Anna Begins- Counting Crows

8. Why (Live)- Annie Lennox

9. You Had Time- Ani DiFranco

10. Daydream Believer- Mary Beth Mazariaz

11. Don't Talk (Live) - 10,000 Maniacs

12. She Crawls Away- Hootie and the Blowfish

Passing Grade

I passed my glucose screening test!!!! Woot woot! This outcome was frankly unexpected but here I am- gestational diabetes free! I was really worried the test would blow my smoke screen on glucophage right out of the water. CONFESSION- I really only regularly started taking the glucophage in the last month. GASP. I know. At my last appointment, Dr. Smith asked "Soooo are you taking your glucophage regularly?" And without skipping a beat, I lied. "Mmmmm hmmm." Kris was standing behind the Dr. and his mouth fell open and he was totally about to rat me out, but I glared at him and mouthed "SHUT UP" and he didn't say anything, Dr. SMith didn't notice because he was measuring my uterus. My penance has required me to take the glucophage for Kris' continued cooperation. But so far it's worked and I won't have a giant speckled baby. I have gained a total of 8 lbs. Not bad.

I need to post more about this weekend- but I'm waiting for Sissy to send pictures.

Also Brody gets neutered tomorrow. I almost took a picture of his little manly bits in case I forgot what they looked like one day, but I realized there's no reason for me to want to remember that.

Afternaps

So today I picked up the other Sissy from the airport!!! Apparently she is now a successful business person- they bought a Mercedes- I tell you all about it later though. We went back to Sissy1's house and Sissy2 held Baby Sissy and made her cry. This Sissy felt much better about herself.
Then we all took a nap.

Random conversations of today-

Mom: John John is my only Grandchild with one syllable in his name
Carly: Umm, James?
Mom: You know what I mean.
Pause.
Mom: John John is my only Grandchild with two syllables in his name.
Michelle: Mar-Ta?
Mom: You know what I mean.
Stephanie: Mom, talking to you is like listening to a Lyle Lovett song.

and later:
Stephanie(going through my sister's cupboards): Holy Crap sissy, you have a lot of icing in this house.
Michelle: 1 is for snacking and the other is for cupcakes i'm going to make one day.
Stephanie: You have 200% more icing in your house than I do.
As I'm saying this my mom starts asking my sister, "Can you hear her? Is it my hearing?"
Michelle: She's not enunciating. She's mumbling.
Me: I'm not mumbling i'm behind a cabinet!
Mom to Sissy: I heard "cabinet".
They continue to talk about me like I'm not 7 feet away.
Me: Don't make me blog about this.
Mom: I didn't catch that at all.

Best. Present. Ever.

So I finally managed to arrive in Chicago, despite my efforts to the contrary. I missed my flight this morning because I apparently cannot read. "What? My flight isn't at 8:12, my connecting flight is at 8:12?" Big tears. I did get the first class upgrade on the Charlotte leg to Chicago which was really bonus because the whole flight was full and we waited on the runway for forever.

Well I'm here! Sissy, Baby Sissy and my mom picked me up= woot! Baby Sissy is the cutest little thing ever, she's almost three months and still wearing newborn clothes she's so tiny. Aunt Sissy has already made her cry though. Sorry.

The conversation in the car ride home was hilarious, I forget how weird we are.

My mom (rocking the baby in her car seat): Oooooh my left arm is going to be so muscly!

Sisters: Ooh good!

Mom: I guess. My left hand is tan.

Then the baby starts crying and my sister and I start singing Indigo Girls like it's a kid song, my mother: "This is making me cry! Baby Sissy, keep crying make them stop!"

Stephanie: Mom what's that red mark on your forehead?

Mom: I think it was an arrow.

Well after a wonderful lunch of Tommy's - best Chicago style hot dogs ever- we got home and Sissy gave me this:

Best present ever- lucky Ben

3rd Trimester- what?

Oh hello. Today begins my third trimester. I'm sorry- WHAT?! I know seriously.
So what to expect was totally normal today- no drama, yet still minimally useful.

Ben is still moving around quite a bit, but I think he's beginning to slow down a little. But he's stronger, you can actually even see him moving.
I was convinced on Saturday night that I was having a preeclampsia episode, I didn't have any intense swelling but I did have:these warning signs:
Severe or persistent headache
Vision changes, including double vision, blurred vision, seeing spots or flashing lights, sensitivity to light, or temporary loss of vision
Intense pain or tenderness in your upper abdomen
Nausea and vomiting Symptoms can vary from woman to woman, and preeclampsia can occur without any obvious symptoms, particularly in the early stages.
I didn't call my Dr. though and wound up feeling better on Sunday- and way better today.
I have my big glucose test this week, yikes, very nervous. Should I be eating fiber? Would that help? I don't know.
I'm waking up twice a night now to go to the bathroom. That's new.
I defy the snoogle with regularity now. In the beginning I totally respected it's authority and didn't dare roll over or change position. Well not anymore, instead of a C it winds up being twisted into an S by the end of the night. I just want to lay on my back! Leave me alone!
Oh back to the vomit thing, I woke up choking on vomit the other night, and then I totally aspirated it into my lungs. In addition to burning my airways all night, it also managed to convince me that I was going to die. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you.

In college, my sorority was forced/asked by nationals to have these women come put on this seminar for us. First we had no idea what it was about, just that it was all day and mandatory. Well it turns out it was this hideous mock trial. In the trial one of our sisters, who they picked by name, and wasn't there, had died because she had gotten drunk at a mixer and she aspirated on her own vomit and got pneumonia and died in like 36 hours and her parents were suing the sorority and individual sisters, like her big sis for holding her hair back and not calling an ambulance. So everybody's being interrogated on the stand and we're all crying like it actually happened. It was horrible. HORRIBLE Totally traumatic. I think they even had her picture on an easel.

So as you can me experience with vomit aspiration led me to believe my time left on earth was obviously very limited. I still didn't call the Dr. though. Not because I didn't think I was going to die, just cause you know, I'm tough.

Wild and crazy can't be stopped....

WOOT WOOT! Browns were in Georgia last night! They're spending the week in Hilton Head and came down to see us! First, it was sooooooo great to see them. Ok I say that a lot, but we really love the Browns. They came and saw the house, were wonderfully lavish with the compliments and then we went downtown for dinner. We showed them around Savannah and went down to River Street to go to Fiddler's. The weather was totally perfect and we sat out on the balcony. After dinner we stopped by Wet Willys so the guys could get drinks to go (they got a bit bombed because that's grain alcohol's job) and then we went to the candy store. Cari and I got ice cream- me=peanut butter, hmmm; they tried still warm prailines, and the guys checked out the taffy machine.

Like two engineers in a candy store

As per usual we reminisced about our three years in Connecticut (exile) together, ate way too much, drank a little too much (boys), drove too fast, worked on our Dancing Outlaw impersonations-- see below-- and laughed until we cried. The only thing missing was all four of us falling asleep in the living room at some ungodly hour.

It is our deepest wish that they'll move down here. They moved from Connecticut back to Virginia 6 months after we did, we're a bit farther this time, so in all fairness and proportionality we're giving them a year and a half. And then we will kidnap them.

And in case you don't know the Dancing Outlaw,Jesco White, this is for you. (Cari does Norma perfectly, you would pay money to hear her do it) WARNING- this is the finest documentary to have ever aired on PBS and watching these videos will change your life.

Is there anything better...

Than a box of new stationary? No, there is not.

The door's open but the ride ain't free..

Because it's Friday and just gorgeous outside I give this gift to you, the most important musical event to have occured in my life. I am not kidding, I have seen U2, the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen himself, Jimmy Buffet every summer for 7 years, Mellencamp every summer for 8, Aaron Neville in New Orleans, and ton of other concerts in between. AND NEVER, has a song or collaboration meant more to me.

A little backstory. It's Memorial Day weekend 1996, WXRT is playing acoustic and unplugged songs all weekend long. I am 16. My mom hasn't had a stroke yet. I'm driving my brand new black 1996 VW Jetta, windows down, sunroof open, 75 mph down between two cornfields that are now subdivisions. But on this day there's only corn and sky. I've just left the Pfeiffer's annual Memorial Day party and headed to meet my 5 best friends: Gretchen, Meredith, Jordan, Ryan and David and we're going to the drive in. Yes that's right the drive in, where we will sit in lawn chairs in the bed of Jordan's pick up truck and pass around a big bottle of water that's been filled with vodka. But before I get to Jordan's house this song will come on, Melissa and Bruce will ride shotgun with me and I will fall in love with this version so completely, I'll never be satisfied to hear it sung any other way. For those 5 minutes I'll feel free in a way I've never felt since.

I'll wait 9 years before even hearing it again on a D.C. radio station, on Memorial Day weekend. Before youtube it was absolutely unavailable, but it is now- and I give it to you.

A whole new way to shop

You've seen the ebay ads encouraging you to "shop victoriously," right? Well, I have something better: Shop Vindictively.

Let me tell you how this all started. So within the ebay world of boutique children's clothing there is a certain code of conduct, mainly: "if someone else has already bid on it, move on, there's no reason to get in a bidding war over a blue bubble with lighthouse smocking. There's a sailboat smocked bubble right below that no one has bid on and what the hell is the bit of difference?" So in all of my purchases in this rarefied environment, and trust, there have been many- I've only had two people come in and over bid me. One snaked me at the last minute and the other outbid me and then I waited until there were 45 seconds left and snaked her. AND LET ME TELL YOU- the thrill was intense. Not only did I snake her, but since ebay obscurs your whole id, I've taken the information I have, the length of her id, the first and last letters and her feedback number, and I have stalked her around the category, hungry like the wolf, outbidding her on several items, sometimes bidding teeny tiny increments just to run up the price. Live by the code or suffer.

I may have mentioned that pregnancy has made me fierce. This is true. Not in a Christian Siriano/America's Next Top Model kind of fierce but like I might be hiding a spear behind my back kind of fierce. Like the Last of the Falconicans.
This new game is a positive development and a constructive outlet for my ticking time bomb of rage, no longer am I in danger of fighting with the prison tat, knife wielding lady in the Subway. Ok fine, it was a sandwich knife- but she had been to PRISON, I wouldn't let her have a toothbrush without checking my back.

Just how much money HAVE you spent on this game?

The Rody-fuss

That's what we've been calling Brody, to the tune of Fergie's Glamorous. "The Rody-fuss, the fuss the fuss. If you ain't got a puppy take your broke dog home." It's been awhile since you've seen him so I thought I'd give you an update. Oh and apparently the camera is not on its way out I am too stupid to put batteries in correctly. And yes, Kris put the shirt back on for the photo.

1/3/08

4/16/08

"No, you're ugly."

"My ball is awesome!"

"I love to eat grass."

"Yeah, I'm leaving that under the table."

Marley and Me

Ruining unphotographed pregnancies one snap at a time...Maureen

I am hideous for not posting about this earlier but I had to wait for her so I could steal the pic off of her blog. Maureen! I saw her last weekend! It was sooooo good to see her, we really caught up on all details. Which means we talked about you. Of course she looked great, and her family is made up of the cutest people ever. I secretly wish I was one of them. Her nephews were so adorable, there really aren't words, AND they are soooooo good. Seroiusly, two of the best behaved little boys I have ever met. It was such a bummer to leave, but I'm so glad her parents have the house in HH.

Also no trip to HH is official unless you hit the outlets on the way home, which I of course did and bought tons of clothes for...... Kris. I'm sorry but I am not spending $29.99 on a onesie because Ralph Lauren put a single horse on it. (Cover it in horses or one giant one and I'll of course be happy to re-consider, in the meantime I'll hit ebay.)