File this under...

WHAT WAS I thinking?

"I just have one more Target run, a pedi and a quick run through Ross before I'm declared 'ready.'"

What CRAP! What nonsense! I have been to Target, Bass Outlet, Claire's, Spencer's gifts, the Comedy Store - am skipping Ross entirely and still haven't had a pedi.
The Comedy Store, by the way, is 90% porn store- 10% costume shop-- I was there for a costume. But let me tell you the looks the very pregnant lady gets in that store.... There were definetely judging eyes.

(Know that the trashy stops on that list are all related to the costume, I don't regularly shop at Claire's or Spencers. OR the Comedy Store. I will cop to buying a headband at Claire's though)

Kris is at home polishing- yes, polishing, the horseshoes in anticipation of The Lynch Family Annual Horseshoe Classic. I am at work frantically making lists, and well, blogging. I have so many surprises in store that I can barely contain myself. But I don't want to give anything away right now, so you'll have to check back throughout the week. I'll keep you posted. But before that I have to finish packing. That sound you hear is my former abdominal muscles groaning.

Weird Al is awesome

I love Weird Al Yankovich. The first tape I ever owned: It was Christmas; The year was 1986; The tape: Weird Al Yankovich's "Polka Party!" I still own that tape, and listen to it on occasion. I especially love "Living With a Hurnia", "Addicted to Spuds" and"Christmas at Ground Zero"

I just asked Steph for an instance of when she got mad at me over Weird Al... she doesn't appreciate him the way I do..... She hates Weird Al.... sure enough, she says "Don't PUT WEIRD AL ON OUR BLOG!! HE IS BANNED FROM OUR BLOG!!... I Hate Weird Al (crying)"

anyway, here is a recent gem from our friend Alfred.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw

Vacation all I ever wanted...

Who wouldn't want to hang out with these people?

I can't believe we're leaving for family vacation in 2 days!!!! Seriously I wait ALL year for this! And for the record, don't call it the Lynch Family Reunion in Hatteras, it's properly titled Family Vacation in the Outer Banks- it's a sensitive topic.

I'm pretty well packed- mentally, I just have one more Target run, a pedi and a quick run through Ross before I'm declared "ready." I'm a bit nervous about sitting in the car for 6 hours, especially considering we're not even sure which car we're taking. Options:

1. The Cabby, this is by far the favored vehicle for this trip as it allows me to get tan in transit, it's fun and it would be the last time we'd drive it to the OBX. Decent on gas mileage, but no passenger side airbag, minimal trunk space. Hmmmf.

2. The Jetta, speedy, plenty of room in the trunk, gets almost 50 mpg. The sunroof is just a sad impersonation of the Cabby.

3. The Expedition. Plenty of room, especially for the amounts of OJ and Cranberry Juice I'll need to travel with, would make transporting the cradle (from Steeler Mom) much easier. Comfortable, cooled seats. HORRIFYING gas mileage.

The debate will rage on in our household until it's time to pack. We're wedded to no option making this even more difficult.

We've gotten a preliminary itinerary from Aunt Martha and woot! It will be a week!
Check it out:
OK everybody, just one week to go!!!! How exciting. Couple of details:
The drink machine comes on Sunday.
We will be having a baby shower on Monday for Steph and Steph.
We are going to have a birthday party for Caroline and Grandma (days to be determined)
We will have another party on Wednesday during the day with a disc jockey and karaoke, just because……
I’m planning the chef night for Thursday.
Plus, too much fun to fit into one e-mail!!!!!

If the other Stephanie wasn't pregnant I'd be pretty bummed about the drink machine. But with two of us not drinking, I have hope that I'll survive. I have to scan the invitation for the baby shower- it's a riot.

In addition to picking a vehicle, Kris and I need to figure out what we're doing for our karaoke numbers. I am of course leaning towards Reba's "Fancy"; Kris will surely perform some Tom Jones. For duets, the best bet would be "I've Got you babe" because I get to be Cher. And really, I could start a career doing Cher impersonations. It's true, I'm not bragging, it's just one of my options. We could do Meatloaf duets, but they're soooooo long. It just gets embarassing for everyone involved. I'm going to really have to think about the duet performance. Suggestions welcome. CRAP! Time out, I just figured it out. It has to be Islands in the Stream. Done. (Send suggestions as back up.)

For Christina and Studley....

Yesterday was so much fun! First, I was on for hospitality at church, which I actually love, bringing food for coffee hour after church and you get to use your pretty servingware! Anyway after church I met Joan and Christina and Andrew, and of course CHASE! at Tubby's on the river for lunch. It was such a beautiful day, great breezes and no humidity. I had fried oysters, and malt vinegar with a side of fries.
Being pathetically alone, I also showed up for dinner, crashing the Malley Get-Down once again. Ok I was actually invited. But we had such a great dinner, Korean style steaks, whipped potatoes and broccoli. The broccoli and potatoes were so good I'm considering breaking into their house this morning to eat the rest out of Tupperware.

Now you should know, Christina is absolutely hilarious. If you haven't been reading her blog you won't know that. But she is and she cracks me up to the point that I'm on the verge of "waking the baby!" So somehow the topic turned to high school and we were discussing everything we got away with and how times were more simple and innocent. And that's when the conversation turned to PJ Studley.

PJ Studley was a year ahead of me in high school, and like everyone else in the school I partly adored him/ feared him. Looking back this may have been attributed to his crazy quick temper having something to do with the baseball team and steroids... ANYWAY.
PJ got in major trouble at the prom, I can't even remember what it was but as a result he was not allowed to participate in graduation ceremonies. So he took retaliation on the school in the only way he knew how.
It rained that year and graduation was held in the field house instead of the football field. My friends and I are in the balcony, the whole place is packed. Graduation begins, a few speeches get made and in walks PJ Studley.
TIME OUT- PJ and the rest of the baseball team were obsessed with John Cougar Mellencamp and Bruce Springsteen. I'm not kidding. They made Happy Birthday Cougar t-shirts and WORE THEM. They also made a yearly pilgrimage to Seymour, Indiana to pay tribute (and I'm sure get wasted in corn bars.) Well PJ liked Mellencamp - LOVED Bruce.
TIME IN
In walks PJ Studley, wearing jeans, a white t-shirt and a red bandana around his head. The school administration expected PJ to pull something so they had people at the doors to stop him, so he had climbed through a window in the training room to get in. With a boombox.
PJ in his Bruce get up and boombox strides right up the center aisle and walks to the stage, he puts down the boombox and hits play. (the year is 1997 and PJ is a bit retro so of course it's a tape)
PJ will proceed to do the greatest live performance/singalong to Born to Run EVER. He's singing at the top of his lungs, he jumps up on the stage. He's amped. (remember-roids.) The song ends, he rips off his bandana throws it into the crowd, grabs his boombox and walks off. The crowd erupts. PJ is given a standing ovation. The principal claps. Screaming and cheering continues. PJ is made legend.
***UPDATED- I just found out that PJ has been ringing the bell for the Salvation Army ever since as The Rock and Roll Santa.

I cannot even imagine what would happen nowadays.

If you're ever lucky enough to be back home at Duke O'Brien's on karaoke night, and PJ is feeling up to it and you buy him enough liquor you can usually get him to reenact the whole thing. You won't be disappointed.

Me at karaoke prt 2

Animal Planet after Dark

What is up with Animal Planet- after the super bitchy Groomer Has It, on came Creature Comforts. Which is seriously the funniest thing I've ever seen. It's like Tracy Ullman plus animated animals.
Some of the episodes are interview with regular people on different topics, art, food, meeting their mate and then animated. Others take real people and put animal faces to them. It was hysterical. And I heard one panda tell another panda to go "eff" themselves.

Here's a clip on the 08 candidates.

2 Recommendations

With Kris out of town, I'm able to fully bask in the worst TV has to offer. Well, worst in his opinion, is can't miss in mine. Just today I've discovered two fantastic shows you must add to your viewing priorities.

First Deion and Pillar: Primetime Love- it's normally on Oxygen but Bravo has started carrying it. It's a riot. I'm tired so don't make me write more. Just watch.

The other is Groomer Has It on Animal Planet. This show is so astonishingly bitchy I can't believe it's not on Bravo. I've never seen more vicious judges. and on Animal Planet, what?! It's a mess. Next week the dogs will be the judges. How, you ask? They're bringing Sonia Fitzpatrick to help- the pet psychic. I mean..

Flannery O'Connor is bad ass.

My exposure to Flannery O'Connor has been minimal, I'd only read a few of her short stories, but LH loaned me an audio version of A Good Man is Hard to Find, and I love her. It's especially great to hear her read it in her crazy, lazy Savannah accent.

My favorite gem: 'But the grandmother had on a navy blue straw sailor hat with a bunch of white violets on the brim and a navy blue dress with a small white dot in the print. Her collars and cuffs were white organdy trimmed with lace and at the neckline she had pinned a purple spray of cloth violets containing a sachet, so in case of an accident anyone seeing her dead on the highway would know at once, she was a lady.'

My kind of gal.
I'm headed to Barnes and Noble so I can bring some Flannery with me to the beach.

The boy is back in town!

The Little Man Chases have arrived in Savannah! Well 2/3 of them, Daddy Little Man Chase will be here Friday.

First, I am totally in love with Chase, he is soooooooo charming, you'd just die. Secondly he is even more handsome than in his photos. After a surprise visit to the office I was left desperately wanting more baby smiles and drool on my desk. They are officially not allowed to go home.

I guess I feel smarter.

I think I'm growing a second set of wisdom teeth. Not joking. I'm pretty sure they're going to cut through any minute. Is this possible?

Sissy claims she felt the same way right around this time in her pregnancy too. Weird. Thoughts? Suggestions?

In return for your comments I'll refrain from posting the "meth mouth" pictures I briefly considered using.

32 Week checkup

Apparently there is no amount of baby shower cake I can't eat! I just got back from my check up AND NO WEIGHT GAIN! This is absolutely unbelievable to me for 2 reasons. 1. I have eaten at least one piece of cake every day for the last week. 2. I feel like a giant hot sweaty Panda. However I accept all the praise and glory for this accomplishment.

I actually needed this boost. The other day I saw a girl wearing this shirt:

and I thought "Hey, I need one of those." But then I began to think about how dishonest that actually was and how I would really need a shirt that said, "Fat most of the time, but also pregnant now" or "Fat with extra pregnant" or "It's mostly gut, but there's a baby there too" or "Stop looking at me!"

So I just gave up on the idea altogether. But hey-pass the cake!

Cannes photos

Did I forget to mention I was going to the Cannes film festival this week? It might have slipped my mind, with the packing and planning and all. Anyway here's a photo of me with my friends Angie and Jack.

So fun! We're all due around the same time!

PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UPDATED

Get on your knees right now and pray to God for protection over Joe. Do IT! I''m not kidding. If anything happens to him I will probably go into premature labor.

Joe Paterno taken to hospital for apparent dehydration



Also - any Joe related jokes will not be tolerated. Making fun of him is like making fun of my grandfather. Who's dead. So just, don't.

*** Updated: Livin' on a prayer: Joe Paterno treated, released from hospital

How to terrify your fetus...

I really only know of one way for sure so far, but judging by his reaction, this is effective for a freak out.

I'll spare you full details, but it involves the fetus' mother, Pat Benatar, dance moves, a lot of volume, a froggy singing voice and an interstate. Wait- those are the full details.

We're runnin with the shadows of the night (fist pump)

So baby take my hand it'll be alright (hand out to passenger seat)

Surrender all your dreams to me tonight (pound chest with fist)

They'll come true in the end. (wave hand over steering wheel)

31 Weeks

Does that baby up there look a bit crowded and uncomfortable to anyone else?
Yeah, it feels that way too. He's in there.
The BH contractions continue, and they last a long while, like an hour. I don't know if that's normal but I'm not calling the dr. I have an appointment on Friday, at which point they will also tell me that I have doubled my pregnancy weight gain. All from cake. Fine- at this point I'm just trying to get out of this alive.
I am losing words, you'll see in one of the captions below that I said, "white cake, white icing" - that's because I couldn't not come up with "vanilla" no matter how hard I tried.
I also still cannot give you directions. Second drawer from the left doesn't exist in real time, I'm still grunting and pointing. I'm like ALF but with a smaller vocabulary.
Falling asleep is hard and I'm waking up earlier and unable to go back to sleep but the time in between is good and restful.
I'm getting over a killer cold. Kris is succumbing to the killer cold. But don't expect him to admit it, he thinks his fever is the result of some invisible sunburn on his scalp. It must be hard for him though, he has only been sick with a cold 2-3 times in the last 9 years. And one of them we thought was meningitis, his 104.5 temperature made him nuts and they gave him IV fluids and morphine at the hospital so he got over that pretty quickly. So this is all new territory for him. I at least got him to take some ibuprofen for the aches and some Zinc, but when I try to give him the Claritin D he acts like I'm pushing some African bush remedy on him. Like I crushed up boiled frog bones into a powdered form. "WHAT is that? What does it do? Nononononono" I tried to explain to him that it's an effective decongestant and it must be pretty powerful because meth addicts were buying so much of it they had to move it behind the counter. I guess that was unpersuasive? I don't know.
I'm pretty tired. I hate driving. I'm thirsty. I feel full. Full of baby feels a lot like being full of food. Which sucks. Add in the sweating and it's like what TP calls "the meat sweats" - it happens when you visit a churrascaria, and eat too much meat served off of swords, and then sweat. Sorry. I'm sorry. Why did I tell you that?
Ok so that's about it for week 31, 9 to go!
TIME OUT
Have we talked about the Cherry Angiomas of Death? They are popping up everywhere, and if they're not popping up they are threating to with their beady red eyes. Apparently it has something to do with estrogen. I don't know. The other Stephanie Lynch had hers removed after her pregnancies and I fully intend to as well. Ok- I know it's not a big deal- they're the size of a marker dot, but they're making me crazy. Throw in the Chloasma spot on my cheek and I'm a spotty, sad mess.
Alright, that is the end.

Beach Baby Bingo!

We took Baby Sissy to the pool! She didn't get to swim but she did enjoy her swim suit and the warm breezes! Oh and we brought two gators with us.

Gators

Our next port of call... the most perfect shower!

Joan and Stephanie threw me the most wonderful, adorable, fun shower I could have ever hoped for. Everything was perfect and beautiful. Seriously, I'm so overwhelmed by their generosity and hostessing skills that I could cry. I just can't even begin to express how grateful I am and how much I loved every little thing they did. I know they worked so hard, but they made it all appear truly effortless.

Minor rewind here- in addition to my mother and sister surprising me- my Aunt Nancy flew in from Chicago too! My cousin is training for her new DHS job at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center in Brunswick and I knew she was renting a car to come up, and I saw a car pull up in front of the house, but some white lady was driving. And then my mom says; "Her friend is coming in!" I proceed to freak out in the most ungracious manner- in my lounging clothes, rollers in my hair, "What is she doing bringing a stranger into my house- I don't even have a bra on!!" My sister very uncharacteristically fails to support me and says, "No I think her friend is cool." My mouth falls open in horror, I must have looked like Samantha Baker when she's told she's bringing Long Duck Dong with her to the school dance.

Well much to my great relief and astonished amazement- in walks Aunt Nancy!!! So exciting! It was a full house, including Aunt Jaillene, Benjamin's godmother, in from Marietta for the day with Uncle Mitchell. Auntie J, upon getting out of the car depressingly remarked, "It is exponentially hotter here than Atlanta." Great- even "Hotlanta" is not as hot as my own front yard. AND IT'S ONLY MAY. Let's hope those shivers of terror that come on when I think about July heat, will actually keep me cold.

Again, I cannot stress to you how perfect the shower really was, AND Benjamin got lots of wonderful, loving gifts!

Now, the photos. There are pre-conditions to your viewing privileges. You MUST bear in mind that it was 90 degrees- 70% humidity, I'm a furnace and I'd been crying- there will be NO JUDGING the pregnant lady's appearance. If I believed in global warming I might suggest that it is I that is actually warming the globe. The upshot to this is that it is possible that I might solve our country's dependence on oil by generating enough steam to make the switch to steam powered vehicles possible. Now that you have agreed to the above pre-conditions- enjoy!

Perfect cake! White icing, white cake!

Ahoy! What a tablescape!

A fruit baby!

Angela, Steph, Emma and Becky get things ready- and beautiful!

Penn State gear! But wait, they're snowsuits! I think steeler mom is hinting at something...

Even Kris gets a present!

Captain Kris is ready for our nautically themed baby voyage.

Me and my Savannah mom, Joan

Stephanie, Stephanie and Joan

Could you ask for a prettier fairy godmother?

My family! My mom, my cousin Reese, Captain Kris, Benjamin, Me Aunt Nancy, Sissy and Baby Sissy. We're headed back to the house to put a hurting on the rest of the cake.

So that's it- it was such a wonderful day- I'll never forget it for as long as I live! Thanks to everyone who made it so special, most especially Joan, Stephanie, Becky, Angela, my family and the Hunters. We love you!

Crab! Shrimp!

As per my mom's foaming at the mouth request, we returned to her favorite Savannah restaurant. Well not really Savannah, Tybee Island, but she loves it no less. I actually love the Crab Shack too. It's a funky sort of eclectic place, built around trees, they have resident cats who'll sit at your feet, the lights are lightbulbs under buckets and all the tables have holes cut out of the middle so you can toss your shells away. But really the best reason to go is the for the seafood.

See? Food.

We had a great time and my mom hit the gift shop, hard. So by all accounts a great success.


My mom and Kris also had a fun time using food to alternately insult each other.
Kris- Crab!
Martha- Shrimp!

Holy hell!

My mom and Sissy flew in to Savannah to surprise me for my shower tomorrow! I'm still in total shock so I can't really be clever or funny. But I could not possibly believe it for the first 2-3 hours. The other thing I can't belive is the number of people who were in cahoots with this plan and were able to keep it from me for over a month! (Mainly you, Joan!) I'm so excited that they're here I just can't even begin to figure it all out!

Baby Sissy has already given approval to Ben's glider, pack and play and video monitor. Oh- the video monitor is best thing in the whole world- it even plugs into the TV so you can watch the baby on the screen. Most importantly Baby Sissy gave her approval to Uncle Kris.

30 Weeks!

What? I'm 75% done? We're heading into the fourth quarter? The same fourth quarter in which I am a notoriously poor performer? If this were a campaign we'd be at Labor Day weekend right now, when everything actually counts.

The baby is making brain wrinkles this week, so I should probably eat fish or something besides a 100 cal pack of pecan sandies right?

Baby Ben is a fierce kicker. He kicks all the time and really hard. Most nights he'll bounce the laptop around on my belly. Last night he gave it three swift kicks in a row and it fell off. I see Robbie Gould potential all over this kid. Or it could just be that's what happens when this guy has kids:

Soccer studded genes

I had two glorious nights last week in which I slept through the entire night without getting up to use the bathroom, SINCE THEN however, it's been 4 nightly visits. Unprecedented. Not to brag or anything, but I have superior bladder skills. Since the age of 8 I have been able to hold it for the entire school day. (Public bathroom phobia) Pre-pregnancy I think I could go 16 hours easily. I won't even tell you what the longest was because you won't believe me, just know that in the end- I passed out. Kris was there, he can vouch. That wasn't even for a free wedding gown or car contest or anything, it's just that a suitable bathroom had yet to present itself. Not only can I hold it, but I am speedy. If there were a contest I am confident I would win. As you can imagine this bladder issue really grates on me, as I perceive my endurance and speed to be among my most tangible talents. Losing them hurts.

Also hurts? Getting out of bed. It's becoming a bit ridiculous. Lift upper body with arms, scoot legs to side of bed, fall out of bed.

And more pain? How about some scary Braxton Hicks Contractions? Hmm? They don't hurt as much as take my breath away and scare the hell out of me. How do you know you're having Braxton Hicks and not going into pre-term labor? The BH contractions don't become progessively regular. WHAT? Yes, that is the B.S. answer. So until you can determine that they're not growing closer and more regular for all you know you're in labor at the Home Depot. Congratulations.

The indecisiveness grows. Please don't ask me to make any sort of decision. I will wind up screaming, "I can't decide!" and when you still don't get it and tears are streaming down my face I'll have to reiterate, "I am sob sob sob, incapable, sob sob, of making a decision!!!!!"

Also after 8 o'clock sleep is more necessary than food. If we haven't eaten dinner by then, understand you're on your own to decide what we have for dinner because I need to nap. Do not assume the napping urgency displaces the need for food entirely. When you eat the last Hot Pocket and I wake up at 10:30 to no food in the house, I will be pissed. "I thought you wanted to sleep!" should not also have meant: "I thought the fetus didn't want dinner!" So that's that.

My feet hurt, part of it might be my new shoes, but I think they've been hurting for weeks now. Don't worry you're not in any danger of me posting any other pictures of my feet. I know how offended some of you are by their Tolkein nature.

I'm scarring very easily. I don't know what that has to do with being pregnant but it's new and persistent. The tiniest scratch becames a permanent fixture. It looks like I crawled out of Shawshank.

Still hoarding all of my hair. Eyebrows grow very quickly.

I've had my first bout with heartburn. Brownies were the cause. Brownies have been banished.

Boosh! Boosh! Give me a house with a poool and a gar-ten!***

So you're planning on giving birth in ten weeks to that small, naked, wrinkly man who's been renting your uterus? (Renting? Believe that, there will be monies/sweat equity returned to me for this favor) Well then what's the only thing you should be doing right now? Right. Plant a garden.
You've only lived in the house for 15 months perfectly satisfied, with your four bottle brush bushes, three suculents and lone azalea and nothing on the side of the house BUT now is definetely the time to design and execute a landscaping plan. I don't even know how Kris agreed to do this because mainly he's done all the work, I dug a few holes, drove in some spikes on the anti-weed carpet and laid on my left side in the grass and got sunburned. We're halfway done and I'm so tired I don't know if I'll ever walk again. Only 6 more azaleas, 1 more boxwood, 12 monkey grasses, 3 day lillies and 1 hosta left to go!

*** If you ever wondered if there was a way to avoid the military invasion of Iraq- there was. Frank the Freakin Rican, was willing to go to Iraq, decapitate Saddam Hussein, bring his head back to the White House in exchange for some desirable Connecticut real estate. So there's that. And there just isn't any way to say garden without saying gar-ten now.

Something tells me she didn't take the prepared childbirth class..

Teen mom runs to hospital after giving birth

LONG BEACH, Calif., May 4 (UPI) -- A teenage mother and her newborn baby were recovering in California Sunday after rushing on foot to a hospital with the child's umbilical cord still attached. Long Beach, Calif., high school student Xochitl Parra, 17, was at home alone early Friday when she unexpectedly starting delivering her baby, according to the Long Beach Press-Telegram. She had no idea what to do, and so once the 8-pound, 3-ounce boy was born, she wrapped him, dressed and headed out the door. Parra told the newspaper her phone had been disconnected, so there was no way to call for emergency help. With the umbilical cord still attached, she walked and jogged four blocks to St. Mary Medical Center and entered the emergency room. Jose Perez, director of St. Mary's neonatal intensive care unit, said Parra and her baby "looked good" when they arrived at the hospital, noting that she still had the placenta. He credited the teen's quick response to the emergency situation with possibly saving both her own and her baby's lives.

what do I do, George?

So I was ordering pizza.... and giving in to not going to get cash, I decided to take the risk and use my credit card to order (I'll note... when we were living in Arlington, we believe this very action was the cause of $803.10 being charged to various random places somewhere in mexico on our bank debit card.... oops.... even worse.. I was away on a sea trial a few hundred feet beneath the waves unable to be contacted...and the bank questioned Steph as to whether it was possible that I was actually in Mexico..... my loving faithful wife said no, but later confessed to me that she wondered...)

So anyway.... I was giving the expiration date... wich is the year 2010 (is that a bad idea to give the out over the internet?.....well, we're closing this account shortly anyway...still too much information probably)

Apparently, she heard 07 .... then without asking me if this was correct, proceeded to carry on a conversation with another person... and they debated for about 30 seconds as to whether the card was expired.....I kept yelling into the phone "two-thousand-10!" hoping she would hear.... finally she heard me.. (they still hadn't come to any conclusions)... what? what? 10? what? .."it expires two-thousand-ten".... "oh".....turns to her helper. ... "how do I put that in?" .... helper: in a confident tone "just put in "O' Ten" ............ Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know they are going to call me back with some problem... .I just know it..

Oh, I was going to put a picture of a pizza.... maybe something even more relevant... I googled "Pizza ten"... and found this image... I chose humor over relevance

Off to the races...

To all of our friends heading off to the Derby or Gold Cup today or Foxfield last weekend...screw you. Alright? No? Ok fine-- have fun. I'm not sitting here growing a naked bald wrinkled man damning you to a blistering sunburn or withering hangover or anything like that at all. I just really REALLY wish I was going with you. I promise to plan all subsequent pregnancies around steeplechase season.

I hate myself...

Well I've finally managed to fully and permanantely emasculate someone. And for those of you betting it would be Kris, you're wrong. It was a true innocent. A sweet, furry little black man. I'm so sorry Gary.
STOP JOKING! This is serious. I paid someone to maim my dog.
We picked him up from the vet yesterday, sans manly bits, and that isn't the only thing missing. Gone, is his joie de vivre. He just wanders around wide eyed and sad, his little yoda ears hanging low. He won't play with his toys, he hasn't tried to chew my hand once. He stood still and let me pet him for 5 minutes. He is so sad. He feels so betrayed.