I will post lots of Ben stuff in a minute- but by the time you read down to this you should have your fill so keep your pants on.
So I realized that crappiest thing about having a baby is.... not being able to go to the grocery store with Kris. Grocery shopping breaks down in one of three ways these days:
1. Steph and Ben go to store, Steph peers around big honking carseat sitting on her cart, wanders around, forgets half of everything, hits checkout line as Ben begins to melt down. Time: 94 minues, 65% success rate.
2. Kris, Steph and Ben go, repeat all steps above, include Stephanie acting like Kate Gosselin because Kris still doesn't know what kind of breadcrumbs she prefers. Both parents shop in terror of the ticking time bomb of rage in the carseat. Time 108 minutes, 86% success rate.
3. Stephanie goes solo. Tearing through the aisles, forgetting nothing, coming in under budget and done in 54 minutes. 99% success rate- I forgot the Crystal Light.
So what's the problem? I went alone today and sincerely missed option four.
4. Kris and Stephanie go grocery shopping pre-baby. Splitting the list, going like it's Supermarket Sweep. We would win. Seriously. We could kick anyone's ass- bring it. Leaving plenty of time for the Harris Teeter/Kroger Karaoke Throw Down. We are... those people. Yes you know, the ones lip synching to Luther Vandross' "If ever your in my arms again.. THIS TIME..I love you much better" using celery for a microphone. Or singing along to Fleetwood Mac: "Don't stop, thinking about.. tomatoes. Don't stop, we need some, here." A few times I've been tempted to go to customer service and asking for a copy of the surveillance video, but how do you even start that conversation? "Umm, hi, you may have noticed us, my husband was the man who dropped to his knees during "I Swear" a few minutes ago in Aisle 7. and shortly thereafter I may or may not have done a tour jete during "We Belong" while holding Rice a Roni, you may have missed it, but umm, we were wondering, if we could maybe get a copy of the security camera tape cause maybe that would be funny to put on our blog or umm in a video montage at an anniversary party somewhere down the road. Do you think that's at all possible? Oh, no? Ok, can I have a lottery ticket?"
Hmmm. Rethinking all of this now. I think what we really need is a wedding. We don't have a wedding on the horizon in the next 6 months- a year out and we're ok, but I need a wedding stat. We had to miss 2 because of baby Ben's impending arrival through my abdominal wall, so we are hard up. Between the years of 2003-2006 we attended 23 weddings, I think that's like one every other month. Not a math major. Our last wedding was over a year ago. I am desperate to hear five words in two sentences: Open bar. Wedding weekend cigarettes.
So here's a proposition: If you're getting married anytime soon, INVITE US. I don't care if you know us, just do it. You're reading my diary for crying out loud. (I know this blog has made the rounds and I've got no idea who the actual readership is anymore so yeah, I'm inviting myself)
We are really good wedding guests. Here's a list of our qualifications:
We will sing the hymns during church
We know when to sit and stand.
I will more than likely wear an awesome hat to the ceremony.
I will cry.
I will laugh during the toasts/ or cry, whichever's appropriate.
I'll cry during your first dance
I'll cry when you dance with your dad/ mom.
We will dance all night long. Seriously, we won't stop. Kris has only stopped once for an extended period of time, he thought he was having a heart attack and looking back it definetely was a cardiac episode of sorts. He had soaked through his shirt and realized his heart wouldn't stop pounding. So he went up to our room took off all of his clothes and lay on the bed trying to get his heart rate down, when that wouldn't work he laid in the tub with the shower on freezing cold. Finally giving up, he changed shirts and came back down. This took less than 20 minutes. Still in the throes of cardiac arrest.
While Kris twirls flower girls or gets shots for underaged groomsmen, I'll compliment your new mother in law on her hair, and tell your wicked step mother how warmly you speak of her and how you've appreciated her support through all these years.
Guests from out of the country? No sweat! Kris and I speak enough pidgin continental to get by and make them feel warmly welcomed. Plus with an ass like mine and the tendency for facial hair I can pass for Greek, Italian (I am), Ukranian whatever, I can make your relatives feel closer to home. And we're familiar with all varieties of ethnic wedding tributes, we're the second (being the first is so Wedding Crashers) to start handing out plates or grabbing chairs. Have Nagilia!
We actually pay attention to you cutting the cake.
We don't take our shoes off- I have learned from the Italian side of the family to tuck a pair of black isotoner ballet slippers into my purse- or Kris' suit- to use in case I absolutely blow out my feet- this has only happened once or twice, the shoes generally stay on.
I have a sari, Kris has a yarmulke (It may say something about Bryan and Courtney's wedding on the inside but no one needs to know)we're very versatile.
Somebody forget to decorate the getaway car? no worries, we have the remedy. First we'll get the case of beer out of our trunk, pass them out, everyone start drinking, beer in hand, I'll start pulling ribbons off of our present and use them to tie the cans to the undercarraige of the limo, it's been done.
But really, invite us because we can dance. Kris will perform lifts. (Of other people) We'll put on a show. Like that couple at Shelby's wedding in Steel Magnolias, you remember. I've been working on the choreography for 7 years, but I assure you we'll get it done in time for yours.
Our mailbox is always open.
Ben posts will have to wait until tomorrow- I'm exhausted just thinking about all the weddings we'll be invited to now.
5 comments:
Darn, I wish I'd known you back in 2003. We're running out of weddings here, too. Although we do have Andrew's sister's wedding coming up in May of 2010, AND it's at the Nittany Lion Inn, which spells awesome, so I'll see what I can do as far as swinging you an invite. But only if you promise to hold up your end of the bargain (yarmulkes, chair holding, singing, etc.).
First, we can provide references.
Second- Kris' cardiac episode occured at the NLI. Which really did spell awesome. Tell Jill she'll be meeting her new best friend at Thanksgiving.
I wish I could get married again. Maybe I can convince one of my sisters...I'll tell her I have the perfect guests to invite. How do you feel about weddings in TX? Or NYC? (By the way, Ben is adorable!)
Awesome post! Jean and I are happy to be references. We've witnessed the fabulousness firsthand people, and it is a sight to behold!
Same here. I've witnessed the dancing and it's really incredible. The only problem with you two though is attending a wedding WITH you. You put Dan and I to shame at Anna and Brian's wedding. I had no hat and our dancing skills weren't up to par. You are always the one to think ahead and send flowers to the bride while she's getting ready too, but you sign everyone's name which is why you are such a fab friend and wedding guest. Your attendance is mandatory at mine!
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